What “Shoulds” Are You Living by?
How often do you tell yourself “I should work out more” or “I shouldn’t have that piece of cake” or “I should be nicer” or “I should be more careful.”? The word should holds a special place in both motivational psychology and Gestalt therapy theory -and not a particularly good place at that.
The word should conjures up images of dragging one’s feet to reluctantly accomplish something one would rather not do. “I should exercise," for example, hardly creates a picture of enthusiasm for moving one’s body. Rather it’s a reluctance that, at best, has us drudging our way to accomplish a task. The result of which is either a feeling of guilt for not having lived up to that standard or a childish pride we take in being a “good little girl” or a “good little boy” when we do.
In Gestalt psychology and motivational literature, shoulds are known as “introjects” --externally imposed beliefs that are not fully incorporated into who we are and our value system. Needless to say, we find little joy in doing behaviors driven by “shoulds." Most often, shoulds are shoved at us when we are too young to understand and told to “swallow them whole” with little thought or chance to make them our own. “Boys shouldn’t cry” and “Girls should be pretty and thin” are two such introjects that our culture repeatedly shoves down our throats and that, for many of us, we swallow. We find ourselves working extra hard to be tough or frustratingly dieting simply to live by some “should” that we haven’t decided actually fits us. Wow, what a waste of time, energy, and what a waste of you!
Though “shoulding” ourselves gets us to engage in a behavior, it’s a weak and potentially injurious form of motivation. You can do better. You can decide if behaviors are really true for you and use stronger, more authentic motivators to do them. Read the Practice section of this blog for how to address and improve not only your motivational style but increase your sense of happiness and peace as well.
Practice
You will need a piece of paper, a writing instrument, and a timer (your phone should work well).
Set the timer for 2 minutes. And, in that time, write down all the “Shoulds” and “Should Nots” you believe you live by. The goal is to do this task rapidly and without much thinking. Write down whatever comes to mind.
Next, look at your list and circle those introjects (Shoulds) that loom large for you or carry lots of weight.
Choose1 introject to focus on and ask yourself the following questions:
Where did that message come from or where do I hear that message now?
Then, ask yourself what you’re really needing in that moment. For example, if you start thinking “I should be thin,” dig a bit deeper to discover what’s really prompting that introject to start speaking to you. For example, it could really be that you want your mom’s approval, or maybe you’re feeling unlovable, or maybe you feel as if you “don’t fit in.” That insight is invaluable and you will be better able to address that issue than once again starting on a diet. In fact, if you’re feeling as if you don’t fit in, can you hear how “I think I’ll start this diet” sounds ridiculous? Our logical selves will know that not feeling a sense of belonging will not be solved by losing weight!
Give this method a try and let me know what you think (Link to linkedIn). I’m always happy to engage with folks as they undertake the journey of self-reflection and strive towards wellness. Diana
